monkey see, monkey do serves as a personal blog and creative outlet for
idiot compassion
as part of my bodhisattva class, i’ve been spending more time digging into the meaning to me personally of these teachings. compassion is a really interesting one. what i used to think of as compassion was more often pity (idiot compassion). there would be some heart connection with the other person or situation, but i would introduce other baggage onto it. like it would reaffirm my separateness from the other person or their condition with pity or compared to how i feel.
last year when i started to do compassion meditation practice, i discovered how hard it is for me to put myself in everyone else’s shoes. for example, if someone is mean or abusive to me, can i connect with the same fear or uncertainty that they’re experiencing at the root of their indifference or anger. it’s especially hard for me to do when someone is angry, i feel the need to defend myself almost immediately.
in relationships this is really tricky, as the uncertainty of and vulnerability just inherent in a loving relationship gets covered over with all sorts of opinions on what should or should not happen and the conversation and reactions tend to stay at that level instead of going deeper to the root discomforts and feelings.
but the trick in this isn’t projecting, or imagining what the other person is feeling. for me i think it’s been more of connecting to my own feelings which would match what the other person is going through. we’ve all been through these situations, like anger or fear or pain. connecting to our own experience of what the other person is going through is true compassion.
maybe that’s what imagining is really, using your personal experience of anger or indifference or pain, and then reconnecting with it when contemplating the other person. but i think there is a difference for me when i just imagine what they’re feeling - because i’m still feeling separate and untouched - and actually remembering my own experience of that same pain the other person is having and sharing it with them. hard for me to do with anyone i meet. i’m not sure if it’s easier to do with people close to me honestly, but it’s especially hard if the other person’s feelings are related to your shared situation or your expectations of each other. then you have an opinion and view to defend that gets in the way.
when faced with someone else’s hot emotion my first reaction is to defend myself or shut down to avoid getting hurt as well. tonglen, the tibetan meditation practice for exchanging self and other, cuts through that habit but damn it’s tough. His Holiness the 16th Karmapa was said to do tonglen with every person he met in every situation. May we all someday have that openness and flexibility, and may we all let go of our trips and self-righteous indignation which are obstacles to our liberation.
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28. June 2004 at 8:36 pm :
The two people I’ve known (and who I’ve most looked up to) who most personify compassion are also the two most ruthless. They are compassionate in that they have eyes to see who needs them, and they are willing to give completely of themselves, but they are also ruthless in their unwillingness to put up with shit and baby people when what they need is the truth. One of them is a Buddhis priest and the other is heavily involved with Buddhism but is not a priest (my shakuhachi teacher).
I don’t think compassion is “being nice,” I think it’s having the wisdom to evaluate a situation, see what is required, and being willing to give of yourself if called to do so. Just as often as not, this consists of telling someone they are full of sh*t.
1. July 2004 at 2:38 pm :
Very interesting topic. D, I think you are right on a certain level about connecting to your experience of feeling angry or hurt or whatever, but there is an edge we walk with this approach as well. Basic underlying feelings may be similar but everyone expresses and experiences things differently. So you have to keep it basic. When you are in relationship with someone (whether it is a conversation, a friendship, or a partner) the most important aspect of compassion, in my view, is full listening with all of your senses and that requires a huge willingness to be and stay open. I have had many experiences where in my mind I relate my personal experience of anger or sadness to the other person only to realize later that they experience it quite differently and my approach didn’t work very well in the situation. I was relating to myself more than I really being with the other person.
From Z, “I don’t think compassion is “being nice,” I think it’s having the wisdom to evaluate a situation, see what is required, and being willing to give of yourself if called to do so.” I agree in that compassion cannot only take one form, it needs to be in a direct relationship to whatever is happening. I get concerned though when I start thinking that I “see what is required”, I think that’s a good moment to stop and open a bit more before I act.
Just adding my grain of salt. C-
16. December 2004 at 6:51 am :
Interesting blog. I’ve been contemplating compassion versus idiot compassion for a few days, so this is an interesting dialogue. Thanks for being so open!
22. July 2006 at 12:31 pm :
Hi, ummmmm… I can’t find your name.
This post came up when I “Googled” “Idiot Compassion”. That’s an honor. I hope your blog is still active, but I see it may not be. Blessings to you.
I mentioned idiot compassion today in a post in my pod (or forum) over at http://www.zaadz.com/ . Have you heard of it?
http://pods.zaadz.com/shadow
It’s a pretty neat site and I’m enjoying the work I’m doing with Shadow, though I need more participation. Difficult.
I was recalling a mystical experience where I really groked the difference between real compassionate love and idiot compassion. At that time, I had accessed a “state”, and it faded back into the background noise of my life. But just this year I’ve moved forward to a “stage” where this is more pronounced. I experienced this in relation to my Mother - the primary source of all my wounding in my life. It seems to be more than putting myself in her shoes. After performing a certain ceremony (which was really a focussed intent directed at the correct issue), I was instantly released from the traction that she had on me. The difference was like night and day. It is no longer an effort or even something I have to think very hard about to see and feel what she is experiencing. I get it. I really get it. This awareness is no longer a one night stand, but has moved in to stay. She is terrified of me and feels totally out of control when I trigger her stuff. She is not aware of this at much depth, but only aware of her anger and some fear from time to time. Terror combined with a lack of awareness about what its about creates helpless suffering. She cannot improve her situation.
There have been many attempts by myself and others to unlock my suffering and fix my feelings by using this truth. But they do not work. That was all operating on my conscious mind. The locks were all located below, in my sub-c. That’s where I had to go to solve the problem. I used a key that fit my lock. Everyone’s locks are different. It is good when you find the right key, or find a good lock-picker. The irony is that the right key probably won’t involve truth at all, but rather an image that a small child will “latch” onto during the “magical thinking” phase of development.
Blessings to you, I wish you well.
~Whitewave