Monkey See, Monkey Do

when i’m meditating regularly, it seems i’m more aware of my dreams when i first wake up. the more i’m aware of them, the more i see how my day starts with what seems like a completely random emotional state. the dreams and how i react to them creates a certain mood or situation, and then that carries over to my first waking moments. the dream is gone, but i find my first thoughts of the day colored by or inspired by these emotional states of mind. so if in my dreams i’m sad, angry, or fearful then my first thoughts about the coming day are framed that way.

i’ve heard some advice to plan a regular meditation practice for first thing in the morning. it doesn’t seem to really ‘clear out’ those emotions so i’m starting the day fresh, but it’s making it easier to see how these winds of emotional energy are pushing me this way or that. and though the dreams that set my mood are perhaps representative of my underlying state of being, for the most part they seem random and really unrelated to my new day. so i’m generally starting each day rolling a pair of dice to see what mood i’ll be in. it’s such a weird process and perhaps unhelpful. i’d like to get better at seeing how this is happening each day so i won’t be ruled by the emotions, so i can just label it all as just “thinking” and go on with my day with some freshness and openness.

most of my weekend was dedicated to painting our new shambhala center, with my fellow meditators. even with low emission, non-toxic paint i’m still a little high from the experience. tonight we were at it again, for three more hours of rolling latex on walls, and tomorrow will be more of the same.

the space has three rooms, one large room which will hold our shrine and meditation cushions. an entry way and small office completes the space. we must finish all the painting mid-week, when the new wood floor will be ready for installation.

today at lunch i received the fortune “prosperity is just around the corner.”

and it occurred to me that such a view is the definition of poverty. no matter how much money or success you have, as long as you hold that viewpoint then you are poor. umm… thanks but no thanks fortune cookie.

here’s an interesting article by the head chef at a tibetan buddhist retreat center about why they serve meat, which indirectly talks about why tibetan buddhists historically eat meat.

guilt and the self-absorbed feeling of not being good enough might be the idiot version of regret, just as pity is the idiot form of compassion.

when faced with a situation that stirs the heart, sometimes we can be caught in a trap of pity instead of true compassion. pity includes a notion of separation, where we make out the other person to be below us. like when we see someone homeless who is clearly struggling to eat or just survive. true compassion is dropping the separation and instead seeing how we share the same difficulties with that person. sometimes we feel hungry or without money to buy the things that we want, and connecting with those feelings of craving, fear, uncertainty that we’ve experienced as well.

this week i was thinking about regret and my feeling wretched last month seems to have a similar quality. instead of really connecting with and figuring out how the situations throughout my life weren’t leading me to a happiness - which is what i’m calling regret - i would instead heap on more guilt and self criticism. it was a form of separation from the idea of myself and what i was really experiencing as myself: idiot regret. whereas true regret would drop the extra heaping of self-absorption in the form of guilt or criticism and instead just long to understand what lead me to being mean, aggressive, clingy, craving, or whatever it was; and thereby learn not to be ruled by those habits or defense mechanisms in the future.

i wonder why guilt is such an important part of our culture it seems. could it just be traditional? part of our philosophical basis?

today was my second long run, went all the way from my house to the bay this time for about 7 miles. i’m still taking things really slow, but it seems like much of my progress is just being able to sustain a higher heart rate than before. when i pick up my pace i’m running at about 185 beats per minute whereas last week i could only sustain 175. though if i keep it in the 180’s for more than a couple miles i start to cramp.

my goal for this week will be to keep a reasonable base of short runs during the week, and finally to go shopping for new running shoes.

before i volunteered at the 2002 winter olympics, i was almost worried that seeing rivalry between fans of different countries would break my heart. but what i found instead was the most wonderful slice of humanity, people who may be face painted and wearing viking horns while cheering for Norway, would embrace their Swedish or German neighbor in song and celebration.

and the athletes were just as kind and open to each other. at the biathlon afterparty, volunteers and athletes were arm and arm. as i was leaving, biathlon wonderkind Ole Einar Bjoerndalen, had a German under one arm and a Russian under the other and he was inviting everyone back to his hotel to continue the party.

today i discovered a commentary written by His Holiness the Dalai Lama on a religious conference coinciding with the olympics. he writes:

Although everyone wishes to live in peace, we are often confused about how it can be achieved. Violence inevitably leads to more violence. This is not the solution, certainly not in the long term. Today, more and more people realize that the proper way of resolving differences is through dialogue, compromise and discussions, through human understanding and humility. There is a growing appreciation that genuine peace comes about through mutual understanding, respect and trust. The Olympic Games take place in just this spirit.

Just read this pithy explanation of “impure perception” in the vajrayana buddhist view, from dzongsar khyentse rinpoche:

Impure perception at the moment is basically everything that we see, perceive, and label. This is not because something is wrong out there, and that’s why everything is impure. Instead, it is because at the moment, our being is covered either by desire, jealousy, pride, ignorance, or aggression. So whenever we perceive something it is always through these five emotions. When looking at a person, we may look at them through the filter of passion, and therefore, will see them as very desirable. Looking at another person, and seeing them through the lens of aggression, will cause us to see them as very ugly and hideous. When perceiving others through our own insecurity, we make judgments, refer, and compare, so that we finish up either trying to defend or boost our pride, which is a result that is stemming from ignorance. The list goes on and on. All the different perceptions we have are only arising from our very own minds and are coming through these emotions. So that is why everything we experience always ends up being some kind of a disappointment. Regardless of whether it is felt in a big or a small way doesn’t really matter, the point is there is always a little bit of disappointment. This is what we are trying to purify.

i interpret the idea of purifying as meditation practice so that we can simultaneously see the perception and the lens that it is perceived through, instead of just thinking the former is reality. as we meditate, we sharpen both our awareness of how perceptions arise and the state of our mind that they arise in.

i’ve never run a marathon, though i’ve come close. i think my longest run was a 19 mile training run in the foot hills along a fire trail. it just went on and on and was a beautiful day.

well i just signed up to run a marathon in early december. i have no idea if i’ll actually run it, because i only have four months to train and getting that prepared that fast may just leave me in crutches instead of crossing a finish line. but having the goal will be helpful.

so today was my first long run, a mere six miler first thing this morning. but this afternoon i’m really feeling it. i’ve also been my anal self and drew up a training plan for the next sixteen weeks which has a very sane, incremental progression. and i designed a training log to track my progress. wish me luck.

got home an hour ago from a five day trip to colorado. really amazing and inspiring trip. i’ll try to write more about it this week. in quick summary: i went to a center director’s meeting for shambhala groups and centers to represent our small group. this included discussions about the working groups from last years congress, a lengthy discussion about the proposed new funding model for shambhala international, and some great discussion about core identity for shambhala. i have an entire legal pad of notes to type up and summarize though, which will take a bit.

it was also really nice to be on the land in the midst of some major changes to how the vajrayana path plays out in shambhala. i was given special permission to see a video of the transmission the sakyong gave on the new path to the vajrayana seminary participants. without going into my personal issues over things that are ’secret’, it was nice to be included with that. and that along with the entire weekend gave me a much better understanding of how the larger organization views itself and how the vision can evolve.