Monkey See, Monkey Do

(image thanks to c. johnston)

two buddhist monks from the wat tham yod thong temple in thailand wear helmets to protect them from falling rocks. (via we-make-money-not-art) 
 
 

looks like benjamin franklin used what in the shambhala buddhist tradition we call slogan practice. each week he would pick a short slogan as an ongoing contemplation. if i were to write my own list of 13 contemplations to cycle through over the year, i wonder what they might be? (thanks to boingboing for reporting this)

a couple people have been puzzled about why i’m off, not working, mostly just sitting at a buddhist retreat. and sometimes they offer a well wishing that “i will find myself”. something has struck me about that phrase as really not right. it’s more like losing myself, loosing myself as well, but basically losing a sense of solidity in my self-visualization and then ultimately finding the root anxiety that causes a need to solidify a self-visualization.

i was just asked today what aspect of my self-visualization i’m actively letting go of, or would like to let go of. the most fundamental part of my self-visualization i’m trying to relate to is any sense of not being good enough, not going to be ok, not going to be happy and content, any sense of doubt about my well being. that seems to be at the root of many negative emotions and discursive thought processes and also kinds of laziness. some sense of not ok at a very basic level, not ok in not-knowing, in groundlessness, in space. not ok with space. but also just not ok with being who i am and just being. i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s driving everything, that is the root of the tree of ego in some sense.

then at a more practical and gross level, less subtle level, i think i’m trying to let go of aspects of my self-visualization that i have to be a certain kind of person or hold myself a certain way, that who i am can just arise in the moment and can even surprise me, or embarrass me, and that’s going to be fine. something like that, but without completely flopping and ignoring the situation. often i think trying to just allow yourself to be yourself is a kind of flopping, or ignoring basically. so some sort of being precise and curious and completely involved in situations yet not trying to control and manage or strategize at the same time. something like that.

just read an interesting and very short article about the kind of practice i have been doing this last week, written by buddhist master ken mcleod in his july 2005 newsletter (3 page pdf) titled “The Shattered Mirror”.

so we walk around all day with an idea of who we are, what we like, what we dislike, built of memories and concepts and even just a ‘feeling’ of ourself in our own skin. how much of that is purely conceptual and habitual, and how much of that is up-to-date and direct experience?

the major theme of this last week of meditation practice for me has been working with that self-visualization that i carry around of myself. i think of myself as davee, who is so-and-so, from such-and-such a place, etc. i have a certain awareness of my body and how i’m feeling at any given moment.

what i noticed mostly this week was that much of my discursive thought process seems to have at its root an underlying doubt, a doubt that things are ok, that i’m ok, that i might have to consider things in order to ensure that they’ll be ok. this is framed in the content of that self-visualization, but the spark that starts the chain reaction of thoughts is usually a subtle kind of doubt. doubt that there is well-being. doubt that the inherent groundlessness of the present moment is ok. then that subtle doubt cascades into a series of thoughts using my conceptual ’self’ as the meat of the thought parade.

i guess what’s surprising to me about this is that i would think the self-visualization would come first and then doubts about well being or the situation would arise from that conceptual frame. more course conceptual doubt and intellectualizing does seem to work like that. but this lower level, more subtle pervasive kind of doubt - in the moment, that spark of worry or uncertainty - seems to be primal, before the conceptual mind engages and in fact fueling the conceptual mind in the first place.

i’m settling in tonight back in vermont, for a nine day meditation intensive that starts tomorrow. this will be my first experience as a solo coordinator for a program, but it shouldn’t be too too hard with only 12 participants. please wish me good luck.

halifax is such a cute town, not too small that they don’t have an active arts scene and culture, but not too big that one feels anonymous or lost.

i’m also discovering how much i like canadian culture. it’s waspy, unimposing, and polite. seems to have a mix of british stoicism and frontier laid back, but unlike america they’ve maintained more of that sense of grace and propriety. this for me is really comforting, perhaps my family background is more aligned with that.

after my meditation retreat in nova scotia, i headed to halifax for a couple days to look around. and i spent some time while there looking into the family tree, only to be reminded how tedious and slow going that research can be. i looked up birth records in nova scotia between 1864 and 1877 but didn’t find her. i was also able to scan through a number of families with her last name in halifax, but it would take me a whole day to check them all in just the 1871 census. my time is up here though, i need to head back to vermont starting tonight and there’s a snow storm blowing into new hampshire and maine tomorrow night. so i need to log some miles, er… kilometers before the day is over. then i start a nine day meditation retreat that should be great.

ok, i’ll continue the buddhist basics and my experience instructing at seminary in a couple weeks. tomorrow i’m heading to nova scotia for a meditation intensive and i’ll be out of touch until i get back.