not trying to find myself particularly

a couple people have been puzzled about why i’m off, not working, mostly just sitting at a buddhist retreat. and sometimes they offer a well wishing that “i will find myself”. something has struck me about that phrase as really not right. it’s more like losing myself, loosing myself as well, but basically losing a sense of solidity in my self-visualization and then ultimately finding the root anxiety that causes a need to solidify a self-visualization.

i was just asked today what aspect of my self-visualization i’m actively letting go of, or would like to let go of. the most fundamental part of my self-visualization i’m trying to relate to is any sense of not being good enough, not going to be ok, not going to be happy and content, any sense of doubt about my well being. that seems to be at the root of many negative emotions and discursive thought processes and also kinds of laziness. some sense of not ok at a very basic level, not ok in not-knowing, in groundlessness, in space. not ok with space. but also just not ok with being who i am and just being. i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s driving everything, that is the root of the tree of ego in some sense.

then at a more practical and gross level, less subtle level, i think i’m trying to let go of aspects of my self-visualization that i have to be a certain kind of person or hold myself a certain way, that who i am can just arise in the moment and can even surprise me, or embarrass me, and that’s going to be fine. something like that, but without completely flopping and ignoring the situation. often i think trying to just allow yourself to be yourself is a kind of flopping, or ignoring basically. so some sort of being precise and curious and completely involved in situations yet not trying to control and manage or strategize at the same time. something like that.

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