monkey see, monkey do serves as a personal blog and creative outlet for
mundane fear
over the last few weeks, i’ve been trying to notice more and more the subtle, unnamed fears that i live with every day. clearly my fears could be called bourgeoisie suffering. i’m not concerned with my next meal, with finding a safe place to sleep, or whether an illness will be fatal or permanently debilitating. my life is comfortable and relatively secure, in spite of the vagarities of life. so some examples were:
- parking in the city, will i return in time or find yet another parking ticket
- being followed by a policeman while driving. i didn’t do anything wrong, did i? i work near a police station, so this happens to me often. i’ve never been pulled over in the city, but it’s common for me to have a patrol car behind me.
- do the plants in my office need water? when was the last time i watered them?
- are my savings in the best portfolio mixture?
- are my friends relationships going ok? are they on the verge of divorce or under stress? is there anything i can do?
some concerns were more meaty, like:
- will freelancing continue to work for me? will i find it difficult in the long term to find contract projects? so far it hasn’t been a problem, but perhaps times are simply good now.
- will any of my own projects come to fruition and have traction? or will they simply flounder? if i accept funding for those projects, will i let my investors down?
- how long will my parents and relatives stay healthy? how much time do i have with them?
there are a so many thoughts like this that can arise in a given day. a cavalcade of small thoughts. do they add up? most are non specific, not based on a reasonable threat but more a vague possibility or concern. therefore, they can linger easily and without resolve. i can chose to ignore things, push away the concerns as irrelevant, but i think they arise more because of a background need for control, stability, certainty which upon inspection doesn’t really exist in the world. i can try to fabricate stability, but i really don’t know what will happen this week or next, if someone will fall ill, or change will occur suddenly. so that vague threat really is there in some sense, and a general anxiety is not without basis.
i wonder sometimes if conscious thoughts like these are a systemic way conscious mind can influence unconscious processes. that there isn’t a direct link in the mind, that different aspects must find ways to influence the others. so to create motivation, enthusiasm, control over other processes in the mind the conscious parts dream, linger on thoughts, repeat them over and over and create excitement, anxiety, sadness in that way. like our mind is really a collection of interdependent but only loosely coupled components and these streams of thoughts we experience are part of that loose interdependence. so then anxiety would be a way one part of the system influences and controls another, serving that purpose. but what an unfortunate side effect - to live in worry or concern as our resulting experience. but is it all really necessary? does the conscious mind really need to control the unconscious in such a course and painful way?
what do you think?
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24. February 2007 at 1:24 pm :
Well, you can’t look steadily at the same image or it disappears, the nerves in your eye just ignore the stimulation as it is no longer interesting. Perhaps the brain functions similarly. In order to keep you aware of a certain stimulus it changes it around, reagitating it, and this presents itself to you as anxiety. I mean, some of these worries are useful. If you never thought about when you last watered your plants, they would shrivel up and die. If you didn’t worry about parking tickets, you would probably get more (especially because it’s sf and meter maids are nasty.) Though some of your worries are damaging…worrying about the amount of health relatives have left might diminish the value of the time that you do have with them in full health. Maybe you could try to manifest the way your brain brings up things in different ways. Does that make any sense? Like maybe instead of worrying that someone might get sick, you instead change it into appreciation that the person is still healthy. Easier said than done, no?
25. February 2007 at 1:05 am :
Do you already know what I think?
28. February 2007 at 8:59 am :
Do you realize?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6faJ8_3STY
2. March 2007 at 9:02 am :
It’s quiet here at work, so I have a long reply to your posting.
Parking in the city is a pain. Next time you’re in SF, bring a brown paper lunch bag with the word BROKEN written on it, and place it on the meter.
(Just kidding, bring quarters and be aware of the time you fed the meter.)
Being followed by a policeman while driving because you live near a police station is something you should get used to. Try living in Metro DC where you have state troopers, county police, secret service, and unmarked Federal law enforcement every corner you turn, even when there isn’t a police station nearby. And if you have an appointment downtown, don’t be surprised if President Bush’s motorcade blocks your travel for 20 minutes.
To help with your plant anxiety, buy a piece of terra cotta, and place it in the pot. It should look damp when there is water in the soil. When it looks dry, it’s time to water. Some garden shops sell little terra cotta worms that look cute. Try it!
Portfolio investing - has it been making money for you in the long term? If yes, then your only worry should be when it is time to cash out or sell shares. Don’t forget, this year you have until April 15th to put $4,000K into a Roth IRA. When you turn 65 and cash out the money, you will not be taxed because a Roth IRA is done with post-tax money. Check out http://www.rothira-advisor.com/roth_summary.htm
You wonder about freelancing? You are so smart, you will ALWAYS have some iron in the fire. If you ever felt like coming out to DC, this area always needs consultants. The government never shuts down, well, almost never. I think Clinton was the last one to do it.
Will your projects come to fruition? They will if you keep the faith. You keep pushing yourself, and not giving up. By having a positive visualization of the outcome, you will be pleasantly surprised.
As for the question of longevity, we all have a limited time on earth, and it’s how we choose to interact with our loved ones in the here and now that is important. When someone you love is dead, you can no longer say you love them, or you’re sorry. Appreciate, communicate and validate your loved ones why they are still alive. (BTW, I love you .cuz!)
Sending you lots of hugs from the right coast.
-Patti
8. March 2007 at 10:35 pm :
I think you’re kind-of nice too.
19. March 2007 at 5:30 pm :
Here, I’ll try again. Came across this site unexpectedly and got drawn in. In reference to worries, check out the film, The Secret. It’s growing in knowing out there. It basically says what you think or focus on is what you attact, or the law of attraction. I recommend it. I have to say that I was sqealing with delight at the puppies! Serious cuteness and mood lifter!
Karen